Why The Akatasuki Never Drinks
by LP and DBZ
Summary: It's Tobi's birthday and Pein gave Itachi and Kisame the mission in charge of getting birth day supplies. All Kisame could think about was Sake and Strippers. Itachi on the other hand doesn't give a shit. What happens when Kisame buys a little too much sake for the Akatsuki, and everyone get's affected by it? What kind of drunks are our favorite Akatsuki members?
1. Chapter 1

**Why The Akatsuki Never Drinks**

* * *

"Tobi wants to have streamers and party hats! And a birthday pie!" Tobi yelled in Deidara's face. "Now, why in the hell are you telling me this?" Deidara asked in a pissed tone. "Because Tobi wants a surprise party. Its Tobi's birthday!" Tobi yelled waving his arms.

"Go ask leader." Deidara said getting up to get away from Tobi. "No! Leader scary!" Tobi said running up to Deidara clutching onto him for dear life. "Grow some balls and asked him!" Deidara shook him off and added, "And touch me again and I'll blow you up!" Tobi frowned and walked to Pein's room.

* * *

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Tobi will make Konan like you!"

"...No."

"Give me a damn birthday party." Tobi suddenly changed to Madara.

"No."

"Motherfucker, give me a god damn party!" Madara slammed his fist on the table.

Pein looked at Madara.

"Ok. Get out." Pein pointed to the door.

"Tobi is having a party!" Tobi danced out the door.

"Bi-polar son of a bitch." He mumble looking down at paper work.

* * *

"Konan, send in Itachi and Kisame." Pein said, looking at Konan. "Sure, Pein-sama." Konan smiled, leaving the room. Once Konan got Itachi and Kisame, Pein nodded at Konan to leave the room. "I've got a mission for you." Pein said. "Does it have something to do with killing? No, capturing?" Kisame askd touching his sword.

"No...even worse..." Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Hn?"

"You have to shop for Tobi's birthday party." At this, Kisame started laughing. Pein looked at him, with a "WTF Man?" look. "Oh...you wasn't kidding."

* * *

Itachi and Kisame walked threw the nearest village for a birthday store. "We need sake. Lots and lots of sake." Kisame grinned. "Do you really think that is smart?" Itachi asked calmly. "Yeah! It ain't a party without sake!" Kisame yelled.

"And maybe some strippers." Kisame mumbled, "No." Itachi said sternly. "Party pooper." Kisame pouted. "Indeed." Itachi said calmly.

* * *

**PART 1. REVIEW FOR PART 2!**


	2. Chapter 2

Kisame tried to get Itachi to go get some strippers but he would just say no. Kisame did get a butt load of sake, meaning 100 bottles. When they got back, Pein made Hidan put up streamers while Kakazu put up presents. "I fucking hate leader! Why hell would he make me do this?" Hidan yelled freely as he put up some more streamers.

"Yeah, your right. You got no style what so ever." Kakazu said, eyes looking annoyed. Kisame put the 100 bottles of sake on the table. "Your not doing a good job." Kisame said to Hidan. "Fuck off, sushi!" Hidan spat. "What did you call me?!" Kisame hissed dangerously. "Shut up." Kakazu said, "or else I smash these bottles of sake." Kakazu said, pointing to a bottle. "No!" They cried.

"Damn, that's a lot of sake!" Deidara said stepping into the room. "Trying to give us brain damage or something?!" Deidara joked. "Probably." Kisame said truthfully. "Ay, Blonde Bitch, go tell leader were ready." Hidan said after putting up the last of streamers. "Who ya calling bitch, bitch?!" Deidara yelled, putting his hand into the sack of clay on his hips.

"Deidara." Itachi said calmly. "What blind Uchiha?!" Deidara asked annoyed. "Go tell leader were ready." Itachi said coolly, his sharingan fixed on Deidara's eye. "No! I trained for that not to work on me!" Deidara smirked. Itachi shrugged and turned to Kisame, looking him in the eye. "Go tell leader were ready." Itachi said calmly. "I'll go tell leader were ready." Kisaame said slowly walking out the room.

* * *

"Were ready..." Kisame said standing in front of Pein.

"Ok? What's this got to do with me?"

"You have to be apart of Tobi's party." Kisame said.

"The Hell I don't."

"The hell you do."

"What makes you think I want to be part of that _thing's _party?!"

"What made you think we want to set up for that _thing's _party?"

"Because I'm your leader."

"What does that have to do with Tobi's party?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"There will be sake."

"..."

"..."

"Fine, leave." Pein sighed then looked at Konan.

"Your going too."

"Why drag me into this?" Konan mumbled, fumbling with a piece of paper she had in her hands.

* * *

"Okay, so were going to hide, then Tobi comes in with Itachi and then bam! Surprise!" Kisame smiled. "Hn." Itachi said walking out the room to find Tobi. "Why do we have to hide?" Sasori asked, working on a puppet. "It's part of my perfection!" Kisame said striking a pose. "Let's blow him up." Deidara said calmly.

Almost everybody nodded, "No, no! Leader is coming, and I want it to be..." Kisame paused and strike another pose, "Perfect."

"What's gotten in to you?, un." Deidara poked his side. "Nothing! Don't touch me!" Kisame swatted his hand away. "Now go hide." Kisame said. They heard foot steps and they all sighed but Kisame who was grinning. He hid behind the couch.

Everyone else just stood there, waiting to see who's coming at the door. The door cracked open to reveal...

"SURPRISE!" Kisame yelled, jumping up to see Pein and Konan looking very confused and surprised. "Oh, damn it." Kisame grumbled hiding back behind the couch. This time they KNEW it was Tobi. "ITACHI-SAN YOUR SO NICE! GIVING ME A PUPPY!" He screamed down the hallway. The door opened widely.

"SURPRISE!" Kisame yelled, jumping up again. "Oh, Shit!" Tobi cursed, holding his chest, making everyone look at him with "WTF" faces. "Um...Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi yelled, throwing his hands in the air. "Now that this fucker is here...I want what Sushi over here promised!" Hidan yelled loudly.

"It's over there, no need to shout." Kisame mumbled, pointing to a butt load off drinks. "Oooo...Tobi wants some juice!" Tobi grabbed a bottle, turning around, lifting up his mask, and chugging down the whole thing. "D-does the room look fuzzy?" Tobi started to wobble.

-Hours of Drinking Later...-

"Dude...I got this new way to make some of that good, good, if you know what I mean..." A very drunk Kakuzu nudged Pein. "Dude, how? Like, dude, that's impossible..." Said a dazed Pein.

"...I FEEL SO FUCKING HORNY RIGHT NOW!" Hidan screamed, waving a sake bottle. Itachi calmly sipped some of his drink, watching his team members.

"That's the ceiling, that's the floor, that's the wall, that's your nose, that's your eyes, did you know eyes can see things?!" Sasori asked Deidara who was looking pissed. "You talk to damn much! God, even that fucker Hidan doesn't talk as much as you!" Deidara yelled, slapping Sasori's head.

"Why do you have a mask on?" Kisame asked Tobi.

"Because." He said simply.

"Why'd you say because?" Kisame asked.

"I didn't want to tell you why."

"Why not?"

"I don't want you to see my face."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Why'd you say that?"

"Because I wanted too."

"..."

Tobi looked at Kisame, "Ask me why again and I'll rip off your head."

Kisame huffed, "You didn't have to be mean about it."

Pein stumbled over to Konan, holding something. "Dude...Kakuzu is a fucking genius. And I am so fucking high on this thing..." He waved the green stuff wrapped with a piece of paper in her face. "Pein...your so high it's sexy." Konan purred. Pein took a long puff before throwing away the remains.

Pein went back to Kakuzu, watching him make some more drugs. "Dude...that's so illegal." Pein commented. "Dude, nobody knows about this, so it's not illegal." Kakuzu replied smugly.

Itachi looked around the room, Pein and Kakuzu were clearly high, Hidan was super horny, Konan was flirting with everyone (mostly Pein), Deidara was being a jack ass, Tobi was in Madara mode, Sasori was stating the obvious, Kisame kept asking "Why" when you speak to him, but he noticed Zetsu was missing...probably on a mission.

"Hey Itachi~" Konan said seductively. "Hn." He replied boredly. "Your so hot and cool!" She praised, hugging him.

"Gross, damn it Hidan! Stop humping the couch! People sit there!" Deidara barked at Hidan who was indeed humping the couch.

"Kisame, your so blue." Sasori stated.

"Why?" He asked looking up.

"I dunno." Sasori shrugged.

"Why?"

"You keep asking why." Sasori said.

"...Why?..."

"Why are you saying why?" Sasori asked.

Kisame paused.

"STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES ON MEHHH!" He yelled, running into the wall, knocking him out.

"Do you also see the rabbits?" Pein said in a dazed tone. "Naw man, you had to much. It's clearly mini polar bears." Kakuzu said shaking his head. "No, no, no...wait, dude, do you have the munchies?" Pein asked, looking at him with his eye lids half-closed. "Yeah, dude I'm feeling like a manwich." Kakuzu said, standing up.

"Oh hells yes. You read my mind." Pein said high-fiving him. They went into the kitchen grabbing random stuff. "Potato chips...wait, Kuzu," Pein called out. "Wuz up?" Kakuzu replied. "We should totally make mac and cheese." Pein said like it was the best idea in the world. "Fuck yeah." Kakuzu nodded, grabbing the box.

-Next Morning...-

Pein was the first to wake up, he had a strong headache and his body was hurting. He saw Kakuzu asleep on the counter and saw a now ruined pot on the stove. He turned off the fire that was burning it and went into the living room.

"Smells weird in here..." He grumbled, clutching his head in pain.

"This is what I get for putting Kisame in charge of drinks. But why does it smell like weed in here...?"

* * *

**End...review! please? Kakuzu would love to give you some of that good, good.**


End file.
